Employee Notice

   EMPLOYEE NOTICE

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Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing urnemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE  ( Retire Aged People Early ).

Persons selected to be  RAPED   can apply to Congress to be considered for the  SHAFT   program ( Special Help After Forced Termination ).

Persons who have been  RAPED  and   SHAFTED   will be reviewed under the  SCREW   program ( System Covering Retired-Early Workers ).

A person may be RAPED   once,  SHAFTED   twice and SCREWED   as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have   been   RAPED   could get  AIDS ( Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse ) or HERPES   ( Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance ).

Obviously persons who have  AIDS   or  HERPES   will not be SHAFTED or  SCREWED any  further by Congress.

Persons who are not  RAPED   and are staying on will receive as much  SHIT   ( Special High Intensity Training ) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of  SHIT  they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough  SHIT , please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the  SHIT   you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives ( E.V.I.L. )

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.